sometimes i have these, weird, unexplainable pangs of lonliness.
it's bizarre, because these little bouts of depression always happen at the strangest times. i mean, today i made plans with a friend at work (we're going to dinner and a movie, yay for girl's night out), i spoke to my mom and my grama on the phone, i had messages from two of my best friends waiting for me on my machine when i got home from work, and i talked to two more of my closest friends on IM.
but then i'm sitting at my computer and i want to cry because i feel like i am utterly alone and that no one cares about me, two things that i know are not true at all.
i'm lucky because these little moments never last much longer than a minute or two, and i never really get to the point of crying (which is good, because when i do cry, for whatever reason, i always feel worse rather than better).
i'm really just curious as to what brings this on. at first i thought it was music, but maybe not, tonight i was listening to an old save ferris cd, which is definetly not depressing music...but other than that i have no idea. maybe i'll never know, but for now i'll just consider myself lucky that i can still be objective about this depression thing.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
I'm freeeeee
i just paid off both my credit cards.
I FEEL GREAT.
i don't have much money in my checking account now, but i'd rather have less money and no debt than lots of money and lots of debt.
so now my balances are at zero on the plastic, and i paid my mom back the 400 bucks that i owe her, and i have just barely enough to cover my bills and i'm totally happy.
plus, my best freind D is in town and we got to hang out yesterday, so we did a bit of shopping. the last few times i've gone clothes shopping i've had really bad luck, so i was expecting no less yesterday. but lo and behold! I got a tank top, a navy velour hoodie and a pair of flip flops at old navy, a pink halter tank top at the gap, and a really cute black knit top at bananna republic for $20!! i felt bad every time i wrote a check, but i haven't bought any new clothes for months.
so basically i'm trading clothes for a new printer. i bought an HP deskjet 3820 almost 2 years ago, and i broke a few days ago. i could get a new one, or i could dissasemble it, mail the broken part to england to get fixed, and live without a computer for a few weeks. since the difference in cost is about 80 bucks, i'll go with the latter.
on the Idol front, I'm gald LaToyas is gone. she is a fantastic singer, i'll give her that. she's really really good. but to be honest, i usually zipped right by her when i watched idol becasue she was BORING. it was like she was a robot in a girl's body... she sang very well, but there was no emotion, no personal investment in the songs, and that's what makes a great singer. you have to hear the emotion dripping off every note, and she was... well, not doing that.
< disclaimer > for the love of god, people, don't leave me a gazillion, poorly spelled comments about how i'm the world's worst person becasue i don't like LaToya. i don't like her! and you're not going to change my mind! so there! < /disclaimer >
I FEEL GREAT.
i don't have much money in my checking account now, but i'd rather have less money and no debt than lots of money and lots of debt.
so now my balances are at zero on the plastic, and i paid my mom back the 400 bucks that i owe her, and i have just barely enough to cover my bills and i'm totally happy.
plus, my best freind D is in town and we got to hang out yesterday, so we did a bit of shopping. the last few times i've gone clothes shopping i've had really bad luck, so i was expecting no less yesterday. but lo and behold! I got a tank top, a navy velour hoodie and a pair of flip flops at old navy, a pink halter tank top at the gap, and a really cute black knit top at bananna republic for $20!! i felt bad every time i wrote a check, but i haven't bought any new clothes for months.
so basically i'm trading clothes for a new printer. i bought an HP deskjet 3820 almost 2 years ago, and i broke a few days ago. i could get a new one, or i could dissasemble it, mail the broken part to england to get fixed, and live without a computer for a few weeks. since the difference in cost is about 80 bucks, i'll go with the latter.
on the Idol front, I'm gald LaToyas is gone. she is a fantastic singer, i'll give her that. she's really really good. but to be honest, i usually zipped right by her when i watched idol becasue she was BORING. it was like she was a robot in a girl's body... she sang very well, but there was no emotion, no personal investment in the songs, and that's what makes a great singer. you have to hear the emotion dripping off every note, and she was... well, not doing that.
< disclaimer > for the love of god, people, don't leave me a gazillion, poorly spelled comments about how i'm the world's worst person becasue i don't like LaToya. i don't like her! and you're not going to change my mind! so there! < /disclaimer >
Thursday, May 6, 2004
writers block
every once in a while i get big attacks of writers block.
it happened mostly in school, like the few times i just couldn't finish papers in college. i'd sit in front of my computer and... nothing.
i've been trying to finish some dramas for youth group the past few weeks, and again.... nothing. i can't come up with a decent ending.
every time i've sat down at my computer in the past month, to write e-mail or post here, and.... nothing.
it's like i can't bring myself to write anything down.
sometimes i think it's because i have nothing interesting to say. that's true in a lot of ways... i either go to work or stay home (because if i go out, i spend money, and i don't have any money). i like my new job, for the most part, so there's no real complaining about that. i no longer have the day-to-day drama of college to write about... so i feel like... when you sit down to write something, you want to be able to say more than. 'well, today i went to work, then came home and watched law and order.... again'. or 'i didn't work today, so i spent the whole day in my pajamas... again'.
i remember back in high school, i'd write e-mails to my best friend/pen pal three or four times a day. considering we went to the same school, this is pretty ridiculous. lately i've been wondering what the hell i had to say, since i saw him every day, and i dug in my hard drive until i found the files with the letters. as i read through them (and we wrote a LOT, so it took me a while), i realized soemthing important.
i used to write about my thoughts. i mean, i'd write about events, but what i thought about those events was usually the focus of the letters. i used to write about my thoughts, and somehow, that got lost and i thought that the events of my life were what mattered the most.
so on that note: after re-reading old letters to my friend from high school, i realized that i haven't talked to him in a long time. and i miss him. so right now, i'm going to go pour out all my thoughts into an e-mail and send them his way, so he can flash back to 1997.
p.s. how am i going to live 6 months without new episodes of The OC? and how am i going to live with no more new episodes of Friends?!?
it happened mostly in school, like the few times i just couldn't finish papers in college. i'd sit in front of my computer and... nothing.
i've been trying to finish some dramas for youth group the past few weeks, and again.... nothing. i can't come up with a decent ending.
every time i've sat down at my computer in the past month, to write e-mail or post here, and.... nothing.
it's like i can't bring myself to write anything down.
sometimes i think it's because i have nothing interesting to say. that's true in a lot of ways... i either go to work or stay home (because if i go out, i spend money, and i don't have any money). i like my new job, for the most part, so there's no real complaining about that. i no longer have the day-to-day drama of college to write about... so i feel like... when you sit down to write something, you want to be able to say more than. 'well, today i went to work, then came home and watched law and order.... again'. or 'i didn't work today, so i spent the whole day in my pajamas... again'.
i remember back in high school, i'd write e-mails to my best friend/pen pal three or four times a day. considering we went to the same school, this is pretty ridiculous. lately i've been wondering what the hell i had to say, since i saw him every day, and i dug in my hard drive until i found the files with the letters. as i read through them (and we wrote a LOT, so it took me a while), i realized soemthing important.
i used to write about my thoughts. i mean, i'd write about events, but what i thought about those events was usually the focus of the letters. i used to write about my thoughts, and somehow, that got lost and i thought that the events of my life were what mattered the most.
so on that note: after re-reading old letters to my friend from high school, i realized that i haven't talked to him in a long time. and i miss him. so right now, i'm going to go pour out all my thoughts into an e-mail and send them his way, so he can flash back to 1997.
p.s. how am i going to live 6 months without new episodes of The OC? and how am i going to live with no more new episodes of Friends?!?
Saturday, March 20, 2004
weeekend
for the first time in over a month, i'm working the whole weekend. like, 8 hours today, 8 hours tomorrow. and 5 hours yesterday.
not like it'm complaining, because i'm not - i need the money. but my boss has had me scheduled so sporadically tht i haven't worked 3 days in a row since christmas time, and i'm not used to it.
plus, working on the weekends just sucks in general. especially since the weather is so fabulous, and i have tons of writing to do for youth group, which i haven't started. instead of working, i'd much rather be home, with the windows open, working on writing the dramas with a good cd and a smoothie.
but instead, i'll get dressed and head out into retail-land to ask people if they found everything ok, and if that will be credit or debit. ;-)
not like it'm complaining, because i'm not - i need the money. but my boss has had me scheduled so sporadically tht i haven't worked 3 days in a row since christmas time, and i'm not used to it.
plus, working on the weekends just sucks in general. especially since the weather is so fabulous, and i have tons of writing to do for youth group, which i haven't started. instead of working, i'd much rather be home, with the windows open, working on writing the dramas with a good cd and a smoothie.
but instead, i'll get dressed and head out into retail-land to ask people if they found everything ok, and if that will be credit or debit. ;-)
Thursday, March 11, 2004
a parade of dead pets
... that's what one of my co workers called my life when i told her that my frogs (Jack and Karen) died last night.
but when i went to give them a little froggy funeral tonight, i realized that Karen was still very alive! so thank goodness for small blessings - at least *all* my pets aren't dead. My little froggies were/are getting up there in years... i've had them for at least 2.5, maybe 3 years? how long do frogs live, anyway?
well, Karen was always the bigger, stronger one, (that's how i could tell them apart) so we'll see how much longer she hangs around. she fought with me when i tried to take Jack out to bury him, she was jumping at the spoon and trying to bite it and just getting in the way. I think she didn't want me to take him. ;-(
so now little Jack is resting under a bush just outside my front door, where i can think of him every time i go outside. i'm going to go get a little ceramic froggie or something to put out there too, as a little memorial.
*sigh*
but when i went to give them a little froggy funeral tonight, i realized that Karen was still very alive! so thank goodness for small blessings - at least *all* my pets aren't dead. My little froggies were/are getting up there in years... i've had them for at least 2.5, maybe 3 years? how long do frogs live, anyway?
well, Karen was always the bigger, stronger one, (that's how i could tell them apart) so we'll see how much longer she hangs around. she fought with me when i tried to take Jack out to bury him, she was jumping at the spoon and trying to bite it and just getting in the way. I think she didn't want me to take him. ;-(
so now little Jack is resting under a bush just outside my front door, where i can think of him every time i go outside. i'm going to go get a little ceramic froggie or something to put out there too, as a little memorial.
*sigh*
Monday, March 8, 2004
no more dust bunnies!
yesterday i got all productive and cleaned my office. and when i say i cleaned, i mean it.. i was shredding like crazy, and i threw out a ton of papers that were super old. like, old receipts that i shouldn't have saved in the first place, since i paid for said items in cash, ATM receipts from when i was with wells fargo - over 2 years ago! along with a few assignments from when i was in college, which now that i think about it, was also more than 2 years ago... wow, has it been that long?!?
but it was actually a nice way to spend my afternoon, it was a beautiful day, and i opened my window and listened to the new norah jones cd, which is very very good. and now there are no more dust bunnies to make me sneeze. i still have some finishing touches, but for the most part, everything is off the floor! hooray!!
i even moved some furniture to make room for a new desk/storage thingie that i'm getting from my mom (hopefully). i'm glad i did it last night, too, because i realized that my plan would not work at all, so i moved the couch back to where it was and started coming up with other ideas. i wouldn't have any problems if the window in here wasn't GIGANTIC and right in the middle of the wall.
on the social front, today looks like it will be a good day... i'm meeting a friend at the mall today to window shop, then i have youth group (where hilarity will ensue, as usual) and them a friend from work is going to come over to watch a movie. so I'll be busy but at least i won't be locked in my house the way i've been for the past few days..... ;-)
but it was actually a nice way to spend my afternoon, it was a beautiful day, and i opened my window and listened to the new norah jones cd, which is very very good. and now there are no more dust bunnies to make me sneeze. i still have some finishing touches, but for the most part, everything is off the floor! hooray!!
i even moved some furniture to make room for a new desk/storage thingie that i'm getting from my mom (hopefully). i'm glad i did it last night, too, because i realized that my plan would not work at all, so i moved the couch back to where it was and started coming up with other ideas. i wouldn't have any problems if the window in here wasn't GIGANTIC and right in the middle of the wall.
on the social front, today looks like it will be a good day... i'm meeting a friend at the mall today to window shop, then i have youth group (where hilarity will ensue, as usual) and them a friend from work is going to come over to watch a movie. so I'll be busy but at least i won't be locked in my house the way i've been for the past few days..... ;-)
Wednesday, March 3, 2004
please do not let me go
every once in a while i'll get a new cd and get stuck on the first or second song. when i say stuck, i mean stuck - like i won't listen to anything else for days.
lately i've been 'stuck' on please do not let me go, from the love is hell pt. 2 EP by ryan adams. there's just something about it that i can't explain.
please do not let me go
If the walls in the room could talk
I wonder to myself would they lie
It's like some kind of jail
Fall from the curtains onto the bed
I'm all alone now, I can do as I please
I don't feel like doing much of anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that you will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go
Please, do not let me go
You were sweet enough to sing,
Oblivious to melody
Red suitcase full of clothes
Washed up on the shore of memory
I'm all alone now and I feel just find
I don't feel much like doing anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that either one of us will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go
Please, do not let me go
lately i've been 'stuck' on please do not let me go, from the love is hell pt. 2 EP by ryan adams. there's just something about it that i can't explain.
please do not let me go
If the walls in the room could talk
I wonder to myself would they lie
It's like some kind of jail
Fall from the curtains onto the bed
I'm all alone now, I can do as I please
I don't feel like doing much of anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that you will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go
Please, do not let me go
You were sweet enough to sing,
Oblivious to melody
Red suitcase full of clothes
Washed up on the shore of memory
I'm all alone now and I feel just find
I don't feel much like doing anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that either one of us will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go
Please, do not let me go
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Friday, February 27, 2004
do not read while in public...
... because if you do people will surely give you strange looks as you fall into hysterics and roll on the floor.
Seanbaby writes the funniest shit EVER.
for example...
Training Yourself for Iron Chef (zesty non-bark flavor)
When Robots Attack (The Clock Strikes... TERROR)
and saving the best for last....
A Wendy's Training Video (I AM THE DUKE OF THE GRILL!!!)
(ed: this article seems to be lost to time but the video, which is still hilarious, is here)
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Saturday, February 21, 2004
good times.
there is nothing like a little vacation to get your mind off depressing things!
this time last week i was in west hollywood eating insane amounts of sushi and celebrating donna's birthday. i flew in friday, partied saturday, went to disneyland on sunday, was exhausted on monday, flew home on tuesday, got my phone, stayed at my parent's due to awful weather, and got back to my own bed on wednesday night. it was defiently good times all around.
we got donna a great group gift - a photo album full of photos from the past year or so that we've taken on our digital cameras, with empty spaces so we could add photos as we went along. i brought my great little HP photosmart 245, which was perfect... small enough to fit in my backpack, takes all kinds of memory cards and no computer required! i printed a TON of photos on one cartridge (probably 70+ but i didn't keep track). if you're looking for a photo printer, i'd highly reccomend it... it's only 200 bucks!
i was very excited to go to disneyland with all my buddies, although i'd say that 8 poeple at disneyland is difficult to say the least... mostly becasue no one can make up their minds. plus it was HELLA CROWDED. whatever, it was a holiday weekend and we got in for free!! minor bickering aside, we had a great time and everyone got to do what they wanted (for the most part).
i also got a great print by one of my favorite artists, SHAG. it's a commemorative print for the 40th anniversary of the tiki room. ( i wish i could find a scan of it online... my scanner's not big enough!) there was a shirt and a purse too, but i managed to control myself. this guy is fantastic, go check his stuff out.
so the vacation was great, except now i'm seriously, SERIOUSLY poor. all my christmas money is gone, which really sucks. oh well, at least i have tivo and a bunch of knitting to keep me busy!
this time last week i was in west hollywood eating insane amounts of sushi and celebrating donna's birthday. i flew in friday, partied saturday, went to disneyland on sunday, was exhausted on monday, flew home on tuesday, got my phone, stayed at my parent's due to awful weather, and got back to my own bed on wednesday night. it was defiently good times all around.
we got donna a great group gift - a photo album full of photos from the past year or so that we've taken on our digital cameras, with empty spaces so we could add photos as we went along. i brought my great little HP photosmart 245, which was perfect... small enough to fit in my backpack, takes all kinds of memory cards and no computer required! i printed a TON of photos on one cartridge (probably 70+ but i didn't keep track). if you're looking for a photo printer, i'd highly reccomend it... it's only 200 bucks!
i was very excited to go to disneyland with all my buddies, although i'd say that 8 poeple at disneyland is difficult to say the least... mostly becasue no one can make up their minds. plus it was HELLA CROWDED. whatever, it was a holiday weekend and we got in for free!! minor bickering aside, we had a great time and everyone got to do what they wanted (for the most part).
i also got a great print by one of my favorite artists, SHAG. it's a commemorative print for the 40th anniversary of the tiki room. ( i wish i could find a scan of it online... my scanner's not big enough!) there was a shirt and a purse too, but i managed to control myself. this guy is fantastic, go check his stuff out.
so the vacation was great, except now i'm seriously, SERIOUSLY poor. all my christmas money is gone, which really sucks. oh well, at least i have tivo and a bunch of knitting to keep me busy!
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
The Grey Album
DJ Danger Mouse's The Grey Album is a remix of Jay-Z's Black Album and The Beatles White Album. it's definetly worth a listen - it's gotten great reviews, it's very intriguing and i really like it.
(ed: The files are still up in 2026!)
p.s. check out the other stuff on the illegal art website too - the Stay Free's Illegal Art Compilation CD in particular.
Monday, February 9, 2004
ain't no sunshine when she's gone
last night, my mom called me to let me know that our family's cat Skinny died.
one very happy cat basking in the sun
if you want to get technical, Skinny was my sister's cat. she was born in my front yard when i was in kindergarten, and me and my sister each chose a cat from the litter to keep. to be more specific, i chose a cat, but skinny chose my sister. when she was born she was the runt of the litter (hence her name, Skinny), and when we took the kittens in for show and tell, her eyes were still closed. in both our classes, the kittens were in the center of at least twenty 4 and 5 year olds, and both times, even with her eyes still closed, skinny headed straight to my sister. (skinny and her mommy)
she wasn't the runt for long! (big fat skinny) skinny loved people food, mcdonalds french fries in particular. when we went out to pick up dinner, she somehow knew that french fries were on the way home and she'd be waiting at the front door. she knew tricks, too... when we asked her if she wanted a treat, she'd stand up on her hind legs to reach for it! when we asked her for a kiss, she'd look up and actually kiss us, she would go to bed when we told her to, and she came when we called her (most of the time, anyway).
she was such a mellow cat, too... we called her noodle because when you picked her up she'd just be limp like a noodle. i know it was becasue she totally trusted us... and we could lay her down and she'd lie there however we set her down. (the noodle in action) every once in a while we'd get her do do really weird things... for example, look at this picture! no matter how silly we got, skinny never bit us or scratched us or anything. she was a great sport.
and of course she liked to sleep... and sleep... and sleep some more.
and when i got my digital camera last year, she became my favorite model (camera hog, model feline, contemplating the wall, orange and green).
even back in high school she was great at posing for the camera... we even got her photos taken at a pet store once... (what a gorgeous feline!) and the photographer said she was a natural!
basically, skinny has been a part of the family for as long as i can remember (me and skinny circa 1985). the first thing i do when i get to my parent's house is go look for her... when i got there today she wasn't there and it was seriously the saddest i've ever felt in my whole life... it was like there was a big hole in the house that will never be filled. i don't think there will ever be a day i won't think about her. she really was the best cat there ever was.
the last photo i took of skinny
october 17, 2003
one very happy cat basking in the sun
if you want to get technical, Skinny was my sister's cat. she was born in my front yard when i was in kindergarten, and me and my sister each chose a cat from the litter to keep. to be more specific, i chose a cat, but skinny chose my sister. when she was born she was the runt of the litter (hence her name, Skinny), and when we took the kittens in for show and tell, her eyes were still closed. in both our classes, the kittens were in the center of at least twenty 4 and 5 year olds, and both times, even with her eyes still closed, skinny headed straight to my sister. (skinny and her mommy)
she wasn't the runt for long! (big fat skinny) skinny loved people food, mcdonalds french fries in particular. when we went out to pick up dinner, she somehow knew that french fries were on the way home and she'd be waiting at the front door. she knew tricks, too... when we asked her if she wanted a treat, she'd stand up on her hind legs to reach for it! when we asked her for a kiss, she'd look up and actually kiss us, she would go to bed when we told her to, and she came when we called her (most of the time, anyway).
she was such a mellow cat, too... we called her noodle because when you picked her up she'd just be limp like a noodle. i know it was becasue she totally trusted us... and we could lay her down and she'd lie there however we set her down. (the noodle in action) every once in a while we'd get her do do really weird things... for example, look at this picture! no matter how silly we got, skinny never bit us or scratched us or anything. she was a great sport.
and of course she liked to sleep... and sleep... and sleep some more.
and when i got my digital camera last year, she became my favorite model (camera hog, model feline, contemplating the wall, orange and green).
even back in high school she was great at posing for the camera... we even got her photos taken at a pet store once... (what a gorgeous feline!) and the photographer said she was a natural!
basically, skinny has been a part of the family for as long as i can remember (me and skinny circa 1985). the first thing i do when i get to my parent's house is go look for her... when i got there today she wasn't there and it was seriously the saddest i've ever felt in my whole life... it was like there was a big hole in the house that will never be filled. i don't think there will ever be a day i won't think about her. she really was the best cat there ever was.
the last photo i took of skinny
october 17, 2003
Friday, February 6, 2004
cancellation sucks
i watched the last episode of ED tonight. this was a bit depressing because ED is one of my favorite shows ever. The final episode was really well done, i think. I'm just annoyed - with 'reality TV' crap getting all the press and attention and ratings, good shows are getting cancelled and ACTORS are losing their jobs. you know, people who train for years to learn their craft and consistenly have to struggle to find work. so, basically, instead of watching real artists, america likes to watch people make asses of themselves under the guise of 'reality'.
grr.
i've been living a very solitary life this week... i've spent the past three days at home watching a lot of Star Trek TNG and history channel. to keep my brain from turning to complete mush, i did a dry run of my taxes (getting back $550, which is less than i anticipated, ugh) and balanced my checkbook (i have about $12 to my name right now! fun!). I also started a cross stitch... the first one i've done in a long, LONG time. It's an angel dressed in purple with big wings. i don't even know how long i've had it sitting in my closet... a long time, i think. i work on it while i watch tv (actually, i listen more than i watch) and i've finished a big chunk of it.
i have to go back to work tomorrow which will be a bit of a shock to my system, but i'm cool with that since i get to pick up my paycheck (which i'm worried will also be less than i am anticipating). at the very least, my rent is paid for the month, i went to the grocery store, and all my vacation money is set aside already.
and in one week, i will be in Hollywood with my best friends in the whole world.
Life is good. ;-)
grr.
i've been living a very solitary life this week... i've spent the past three days at home watching a lot of Star Trek TNG and history channel. to keep my brain from turning to complete mush, i did a dry run of my taxes (getting back $550, which is less than i anticipated, ugh) and balanced my checkbook (i have about $12 to my name right now! fun!). I also started a cross stitch... the first one i've done in a long, LONG time. It's an angel dressed in purple with big wings. i don't even know how long i've had it sitting in my closet... a long time, i think. i work on it while i watch tv (actually, i listen more than i watch) and i've finished a big chunk of it.
i have to go back to work tomorrow which will be a bit of a shock to my system, but i'm cool with that since i get to pick up my paycheck (which i'm worried will also be less than i am anticipating). at the very least, my rent is paid for the month, i went to the grocery store, and all my vacation money is set aside already.
and in one week, i will be in Hollywood with my best friends in the whole world.
Life is good. ;-)
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